The good, the bad, the ugly & the good!

9 days left to the year of 2011! I am still here, in Ottawa! So many things changed since last year… so many things…

We started this year staring into each other’s eyes, exchanging ‘I love you’ and ‘Happy New Year’. What a happy time! I didn’t want that moment to end. I didn’t want that love to end. We were both madly in love. Love was beautiful. Loving you was a comfort. I felt secure. But… but it all ended. Loving you is painful now. You are just a memory now. It’s as if you never existed. This will be the last time I’m writing about you. I did everything in my power to make it work, even after I left you; however, … I am just tired of giving while not getting anything back. Happy New Year, my old love! I will always love you, always! Let’s forgive, forget & move on with our lives.

I am feeling extremely happy. I am extremely pleased with my life. And this is the first time ever I feel this way. 2010 started wonderful, different setting, but it was wonderful. Then it got bad and then ugly. However, it all changed at the end. I’m ending the year of 2010 with many achievements. 2010 was a year of schooling. So many things I learned about myself, life, love, etc. It was the year of the good, the bad, the ugly & the good.

Goodbye, 2010! Hello, 2011! Life is beautiful! Life is meaningful again. There’s light at the end of this tunnel. And I’m looking forward to seeing what’s awaiting me.

Why?

Alright! It's been a struggle again. Why am I feeling like this again? Why am I still thinking about you? I don't think you even remember my name. I love you. I hate you. I really wanna see you. I don't want to see you ever again. I want to hold you one more time. I want to smell you. I want to feel you, just one more time. I want to look into your eyes, just one more time. Do you even care I am crying right now as I'm writing this? I am hurting... I am hurting so bad, and I don't know what to do. I can't even make myself feel better. I can't even help myself.

I want to move on with my life. I don't want you in my thoughts. I don't want you in my dreams. I don't want to have any feeling, good or bad, for you. I am still hurting... Why do I still love you?

Why?

Je te manque vraiment ?

Tu me manques, j'ai hâte que tu reviennes.

Je te manque vraiment ?

Je te veux ici... Je te veux ici...

Eat, Pray, Love

Oh, Elizabeth Gilbert! I'd like to thank you for your great book. I know you won't even see or read this, but I have to say your book truly helped me, inspired me, motivated me, and gave me strength.

I was confused; I was unhappy; I was lost; I was uninspired. I was even at the point of losing my creativity. I already lost hope. I already lost faith. I had no other option. I had to leave. So I left. But that didn't make things easier for me. I was left alone. People who were supposedly my friends here in this new city stopped talking to me. I was still lonely and depressed. However, I strongly believed that I did the right thing, for me. And I still do. Friends and family looked at me with pity. Could I blame them though?! I was getting tired of hearing the same thing over and over, "don't worry! Everything will be fine! Things happen for a reason!".

But getting angry at what people said or did wasn't helping. After all, they meant no harm. I had to move on with my life! But how?! I was still stuck in the past. I couldn't escape the thoughts. I couldn't escape the old dreams, hopes, desires. After all, I still loved and cared. I still desired. And I still do...

One day, when I was cleaning my messy apartment, I saw your book in the bookshelf. I decided to read it again. Eat, Pray, Love! You discovered who you were throughout your journey. You started loving yourself again. So I started questioning. Do I love myself? Who am I? What do I want in my life? Why do I always look elsewhere to find happiness? So I decided to do what you did, but doing them all in Ottawa. There was no other place better than Ottawa.

My journey started on September 30th, 2010, and it will end on March 30th 2011. I'm almost done with the Pursuit of Pleasure.

Learn and move on!

In my opinion, there's no such a thing as 'luck'! You always get what you deserve. You always get what you're worth. If you lower your exceptions of your life, if you stop dreaming your dreams, if you forget about your goals in your life, if you ignore your life plans, if you start changing yourself for someone that supposedly you care about, you will regret. We will be very unhappy. You will feel lost. You will live in somebody else's shadow. You will end up with a meaningless life with no goal or direction. Don't forget about YOU! It's never too late, but don't make the same mistake again.

A valuable quote

A wise man gave me this valuable advice today:

"Don't make a long commitment yet. At least wait until you are older. Have
short term plans and work toward them".

I'll be thinking about this for a while. It will definitely change the way I look at
life in general.

A year into evaluation

October 2nd, 2009...

It was when I left Toronto for Ottawa. It's been exactly a year now. 365 days passed by, and how quickly it was! It was quite a year. It was a year full of happiness, sadness, loss, dedication, sharing, passion, love, hate, joy, misery, achievement, failure, understanding, misunderstanding, forgiveness, madness, and the list goes on.

I came here with an empty picture frame but with hope and new goal, dream, and expectation. I moved to this new city. I started a new job. I started a new life. I had a new family. I lived in a new house. It's been exactly a year now. 365 days passed by, and how quickly it was. I am looking back at the year. The picture frame is still empty. The old hope, goal, dream, and expectation are faded. But I don't feel empty-handed. I learned a lot. It was quite a learning year. It was a year of change.

I learned a lot about myself. I learned how uncomfortable I was to express myself in words from time to time. Steve, my boss said it was because I was artsy. I didn't like that, so I decided to change that about myself. I'm not fully there yet, but at least it's better now. I can express myself in my writing. I can put them in words. I learned how prejudgment I could be from time to time, so I decided to change that. And the result was looking at people differently, getting to know more people, and feeling better about myself at the end of the day. I learned I compromised a lot. I learned I lowered my goal and future for other means. I learned I needed to be more futuristic while enjoying the presence. I learned I was the only one who could make myself happy. So I had to change those about myself.

While I learned more about myself, I learned more about my family, friends, and the people around me. I learned how amazing my family/friends were. I learned that those were the people that I could always count on no matter where I'd be. During the past year they kindly offered me their time, their energy, and their support in the time of needs. They listened to my laughter, my crying, my happiness, my sadness. What a beautiful support system! In addition, I learned more about the beautiful people I met in the past year in Ottawa. The people who barely knew me but offered me help when I was desperate.

Moving here also gave me the opportunity to learn more about the mother nature. In the past year, I was more exposed to organic products and healthy eating. I learned a lot about farming and agriculture, one of topics that always interested me. I learned a lot about astronomy. I learned more about the earth, sky, sea, ocean, animals, etc. I saw so many beautiful towns. I experienced a farmer's lifestyle. And now I have highly respect for those people. I learned how beautiful this country was and how little I knew about it.

It was a learning year. It was a year of change. My picture frame is still empty, but I don't feel empty-handed. I have new goals and expectations:

1. I'm finishing my children's book which I've already started by the end of this year or earlier.

2... the rest I won't say here but I wrote them down somewhere else.

The world of cyberspace

I’m sitting right across a young couple on the bus. I’m trying not to stare at them, but it’s hard not to. It’s so delightful watching them. I feel happy when I sense the joy and happiness around me. I kind of feel jealous too. They’re in their early 20’s. They’re looking into each other’s eyes. It’s beautiful. It’s pure love. I feel the passion between them. The guy very gently gets a kiss from the girl’s neck as if he’s dealing with a delicate flower. The girl looks at him very kindly and kisses him on the cheek. Then they start French kissing. This goes on for quite a while until the guy’s blackberry interrupts this beautiful scenery. Damn you, Technology! You ruined it for this young couple as well. Technology is a pest! Technology is a drug!

We are in the era of technology. Technology has provided us with luxury. The comfort and ease technology has brought into our lives, makes us to get more and more attached to it. It’s changed our lifestyle. It even manages us on our daily tasks; ie., when to have dinner, when to walk the dog, when to take a bath, when to have sex, etc. We spend lots and lots of money to get the newest technology. We overload our lives and time with the latest devices. Sometimes we don’t even need them, but we get the urge. We get the itch. We might need it in case, maybe sometime in future. Literally, we can’t live without technology.

Technology comes in different shapes. Some are used to get us to our necessities. Some we use to get our work done. And some we use to network or communicate with loved ones and others. They make our lives easier, but at the same time they change our lifestyles. Are we ready for it? Maybe it’s too late to phrase this question in a presence tense. Where we ready for it?

A good example of the changes technology has brought into our lives is the creation of the world of cyberspace. We spend more and more time in it, so that it unfortunately distracts us from more important stuff in our lives, from our daily tasks to our future goals and plans. We spend more and more time on Facebook, Skype, Twitter, playing online games, etc. This new world has affected not just a specific age group. Even a 5 year old knows how to use internet these days. Some even have their own Facebook. I’ve seen adults spending hours and hours playing online games even while they’re having dinner. We’re addicted! We’re an addict!

This is getting out of control. And the authorities are not helping either. In order to speed up this unprepared change in our lives, they’ve made it easier for us to access this cyberspace world anywhere we go. We even have wireless campsites or greyhound buses. We get internet on our cell phones or other latest devices out there. So there’s no shortage. As a cyberspace addict, it’s easier to fulfill our addiction than an alcoholic or a drug-addict. Oh, and this addiction is legal by the way.

I myself am a cyberspace addict too. I don’t have the latest technology (ie. iPhone, Blackberry, et.); however, I spend at least 3-4hrs a day on internet. Due to some circumstances, I was away from the world of cyberspace for 4/5 days. The amount of work I got done in that timeline was unbelievable. I finally started my children’s book after a year of just bragging about it. I decorated my new apartment and finished unpacking. I did lots of thinking and planning for future. I did lots of walking. And I started my yoga again. I was still left with extra time. Wow, what a difference!

Now that I got internet at home again, I won’t let it rule my life anymore. I won’t let it play with my future anymore. I won’t let it ruin my future relationship anymore. I will use it responsibly. I’ll be one who’s in charge. Technology is a pest unless we use it responsibly. We all heard the phrase ‘Don’t drink and drive’ over and over, so we should emboss this in our brain too. I’m not being scientific here. It’s just my life experience. I learned my lesson…