♥ from me to you...

When I was a kid, one of my activities was reading books. Even if I didn't want to do it, I had no choice. Mum and Dad set it as my daily routine even if it was only couple of pages before bedtime. Despite their disagreement, I used to stay up late to finish a book. I still remember those memorable secret nights with me under my blanket with my key-chain flashlight as my light source reading my book page-by-page, chapter-by-chapter. I was the main character of the story trying to save the world, falling in love with a handsome wealthy or poor man, fighting in a battle zone, discovering an unknown world, waiting to be rescued by a prince, and many more. After I was done with every book, we had a discussion night. I had to review the book for Mum and Dad and talk about what I learned. There was never a shortage of books in our household, and also Mum and Dad used to get me new ones, and they still do. I read books by great authors; such as, Mark Twain, Jack London, Arthur Conan Doyle, George Orwell, Ernest Hemingway, Jane Austen, Stephen Crane, George Eliot, Charles Dickens, Victor Hugo, Jules Verne, and many many more. But my most favourite book was 'Vater und Sohn' (Father and Son) by Erich Ohser.

Father and Son is a 3 volumes collection of wordless black and white comic strip, featuring a father and son day to day events and their relationship in a humorous way. The father is a bald man with a thick black mustache who smokes pipe, and the son, Eric is a little boy who always gets in trouble because he doesn't listen to his father's advice. But the father is always supportive of his son despite his mistakes and tries to teach him the rights from the wrongs. I used to spend hours and hours looking at each panel. The cartoons weren't the only reason I was drawn to the book. The six panels on each page was a story of my life. I was seeing myself in the son, and the father was reminding me of my dad. The rebellions and the stupidities of Eric were so familiar to me that there was no need for words to describe the story. I flipped those pages so many times until I lost the cover and the pages came out one by one. I even knew which page every story was. But did that stop me from making the mistakes Eric did in the book? From what I did and what I do, the answer is no.

Today is Father's Day! The word 'father' is very sacred to me. And it only means one thing — it only reminds me of one person. And it is you, Dad. Every time I think of you, something drops inside me. It makes me shiver. It's hard to describe, but thinking about you, makes me very emotional. You and Mum gave me life. You raised me. You taught me about life. You let me make my own decisions. You let me create my own destiny. You gave me confidence. You let me make mistakes. But every time I fell, you were there for me to grab my hand and help me to stand on my feet again. You never let me stay on the ground for more than needed. I must say, every time I rebelled against your wise council, I got in trouble. But you were always behind me. You always supported me no matter what. You comforted me. You guided me. You always made time for me despite your busy schedule. You always listened to my thoughts and dreams even if they were bullshits. I felt like as if I was the smartest and the most important person in the universe. I am an adult now. Or let's say, I'm tying to be acting like one. But you still do and do and do all those things for me.

Today is Father's Day, but I don't think I need just one specific day to remind me of your kindness, your sacrifices, your supports, your dedications and all the goods you've done and keep doing for me. And there's no way I can thank you enough for those. I cherish you. I worship you. I respect you. I admire you. I'm very honoured to have you in my life. I wish there were more men like you in my life. You are sacred to me, Dad. I love you. Happy Father's Day!

power = happiness

He's about 5-6 years old, dressed up as Spider-Man. He must be really hot. It feels like 30°C today. But little Spider-Man doesn't mind the heat. He's standing in the middle of the bus, full of excitement. His mum is holding his hand trying to calm him down. He's holding a plastic sword in his other hand. I didn't know Spider-Man had a sword. "Adam, come sit down beside mummy". But the little Spider-Man is not paying attention to what the mum says. Instead he raises his plastic sword up high and yells out:

"I am Adam, Prince of Eternia, defender of the secrets of Castle Greyskull. Fabulous secret powers were revealed to me the day I held aloft my magic sword. By the power of Greyskull! I have the power! I am He-Man, the most powerful man in the universe".

Haa?! What happened to Spider-Man. When did he become He-Man? But I guess it doesn't really matter. Little Adam is a deluxe superhero with a secret super power and a magic plastic sword. He is "the most powerful man in the universe". Adam repeated the word 'power' 4 times in his superhero mini-speech. And that made me think... what defines power? Where do I get my power? When do I feel like a superhero and the most powerful woman in the universe? In Adam's case, he gets his power from his magic plastic sword. And that gives him enough confidence to stand proud in the middle of the bus and showcase it in front of everyone.

Throughout the human history, we've been witnessing wars, corruptions, destruction, massacre, injustice, discrimination, poverty, depression, recession, and many more. Generations after generations, decades after decades, centuries after centuries, we have had no shortage of any of these items. We keep reminding ourselves to learn from the past and not making the same mistakes the generations before made. But still they are happening over and over again. Why isn't there any stop to all these? If we look deeper into the core of all these, we can clearly see they all have one thing in common, and that is power.

It is a need for power and becoming the most powerful nation in the universe that makes countries attacking each other.

Governments employ different techniques to become more and more powerful to achieve stability and security for their countries. They attack the less fortunate and occupy their lands to expand their natural resources. Yesterday their reasoning was to overcome communism, today is to defeat terrorism, and tomorrow it would be a new terminology. But in fact, occupying more lands means having more access to resources such as water, oil, gas, minerals, natural habitats, etc. They build strong military to achieve a powerful status to outshine their opponents. And an actual war zone would be a great opportunity for them to showcase others their latest high-tech military devices. After all, they could get more realistic results if they fly an F-15E Strike Eagle and try it on a village in a third-world country where nobody ever heard of. That being said, let's not forget the effectiveness of the cultural invasion.

But what are these all about? Those governments spend billions and billions of dollars to implement these techniques to seek power. And when they feel threatened by their opponents or those who endanger their status, they'd do everything in their power to defeat them. Power brings better economical and social stability. They have louder voice and higher exception of being heard. They have more control. They can provide their nations with better security. People are more optimistic about their future, and they get more opportunities to achieve what they want to in their lives. So can we say power equals happiness?

Ok, so if we agree on this equation, does that mean that the president of the United States is the happiest man in universe since he's being knows as the most powerful man in the universe? What is power to an individual? So I ask my girlfriend. Power in her opinion is when she can decide about her life and the decisions she's making without the fear of others' views or doubting her decisions. She feels more powerful when she feels that her decisions are not based on pleasing others but only on what she expects of herself. Her response definitely reflects the change she's trying to achieve in her life.

So now I ask myself... what is the definition of power in Bahar Dictionary?

'P', Power: Bahar is the most powerful woman in the universe when she feels that she's the one who's in charge of her destiny. She feels powerful when she is in charge of her life, and she's the one who's the decision-maker not others. So in this context, power = happiness.

This new -ization

I feel like I am a minority in the world of social technology. I don't own a blackberry nor an iPhone. I have a regular phone, a Samsung which I bought 2 years ago, and it is still working perfectly. It does all the tasks that a regular phone is supposed to do. I can talk to my family, friends, and sometimes annoying telemarketers. I can make it ring or vibrate. But I usually have it on silent. I can calculate how much tip I need to leave for the waitress. I can check the date and time on it when I'm not wearing my watch. I can do my most favourite thing, text messaging with it. It also has a camera which I rarely use since I just got a new good ass camera, so no need to use a low-rez cell phone cam. I refuse changing it anytime soon, not at least until it stops working. And when it's time to get a new one, I don't think I'd go for a blackberry nor become an iUser.

I am at my favourite Starbucks, yes, again... while writing this. I didn't know I'd be inspired to write today, so I came unprepared. But my last conversation with my mum and my best friend and reading a piece in the New York Times on 'Social Technology' inspired me and started my brain engine. I don't have a laptop to transfer my thoughts into words. But I know I have to write them down right away before they disappear. So with my coffee I get a cookie, so that I can use the bag as my paper. I look around. Almost everyone is busy on their laptops or their cell phones. Some people look at me weird wondering why I am writing on a cookie bag. I've never felt desperate to have a laptop nor an iPad. I have a great PC at home and the best iMac at work. I use them for work since my full-time job and my freelance work depend on them. I also use them to communicate with my friends and family since most of them are in Toronto or outside of Canada. And sometimes I watch movies or TV shows since I don't cable.

I have a Facebook, Twitter, Blogger, Skype, and LinkedIn account. And I use these accounts for specific purposes. My Facebook is to stay in touch with my friends and family, specially to get informed of what's going on in their life. Twitter is a great social medium to find out about the latest in politics, arts, design, and my other interests. My Blogger is my therapist. It is where I can write and write and just easily express myself. I use my Skype once a week to talk to my best friend who I dearly miss, and thank to Skype I get the chance to talk to her for free for an hour or so since she lives in Toronto and I'm in Ottawa, and it's a long distance for us to talk on the phone. At last, my LinkedIn gives me the opportunity to network with my current and former coworkers and other professionals out there.

I don't have access to my personal email nor Facebook from work. But I can still check my Twitter, blog, and my LinkedIn. I found it quite bizarre and very difficult to adapt in the beginning. But now I don't find it necessary to check my personal accounts while at work. If I need to check them, I can use the computer downstairs in the library, the only device in the whole company with 200 employees that I can use for my unrelated work purposes. But I'm too busy to do that anyway. And if my family and close friends desperately need to get a hold of me, they all have my cell and my work numbers. Or they can email me at work which they usually do anyway. So my personal accounts can wait to be checked until I get home.

What I find quite bizarre with the social media is people exposing their entire life on them. They write about their daily routines. Or where they are at the time. Or they upload their personal pictures or even their kids' pictures. Doesn't privacy mean anything anymore? Or maybe it's outdated, and I am the only one who's not aware of it?! Why is it important for Sally to tell the whole world on her Facebook that she's about to take a shower? Is she that desperate for attention? Or she has nothing better to do? Also, with all those child predators out there, how can parents put their kids' pictures on the cyberspace where everyone has easily view them? And why do people find the need to inform the whole world of where they are at the time? Aren't they afraid of the thieves and all those criminals out there who can easily break into their house and property while they are enjoying their dinner at their favourite restaurant or watching their favourite band performing? These days you don't need to be a CIA agent to find someone's profile. Your identity is very much exposed because of the social technology. The world of cyberspace has made it so accessible for everyone to easily find whom they're looking for. You can easily put her name in the google search engine, and there you go... you have her entire family tree or her contact info. But despite all these, people are still doing it. Even those who are afraid of change or taking risk in their life, taking all these unnecessary risks in the world of cyberspace.

Or maybe I'm being ignorant? Is there something that I am missing out here? Or am I scared? Is it my past experience which makes me vulnerable to this world of social media or cyberspace in general and not letting me to fully understand it? But yet whatever it is, I still find my privacy more important than getting fully involved with all these high-tech communications. I don't need to be in touch with the outside world the whole time. I value my time and space to do what I enjoy to do, to do something productive. I don't need internet on my cell phone nor carry a laptop to a coffee shop where I usually go to escape the cyberspace distraction in order to get some work done. It's my time when I can be creative.

However, I still find the social media quite fascinating and very much needed in our life only if they're used properly. Since the social media occupy most of our daily routines, we need to include it in our educational system. I think it is necessary to educate the public on this matter. Social technology is affecting our life big time. And sometimes it gets to the point that it take the leash away from us. Many and many relationships end because of that. Youths and adults are forgetting about a simple eye contact or how to express their emotions outside of the world of cyberspace since they spend most of their time on their high-tech devices. If this becomes a norm, I'm afraid we would end up with the rise in the number of people suffering from depression, broken families, divorces, troubled teenagers, and many more. So before it's too late, we need to take charge to stop this new -ization!

My caffein thoughts

"My old man's body is having trouble with my twenty-something lifestyle".
"Stop calling yourself that. You're not old".
"I am exhausted".
"You need to get more rest. Maybe you need to slow down a bit".
"I know when it's my time to die, it'd be a quick one. But at least I'd die very happy".

What he said made me thinking. Why did I tell him that he needed to slow down? Maybe I said that because of my own insecurity. I'm not in a position to say such a thing. After all, he's happy with his life, so keep doing what you are doing. Maybe I'm the one who needs to speed up. Nothing is for granted. Life is too short, and we all need to live it the best way we can.

Do you ever ask yourself 'why I'm doing what I am doing'? What defines happiness? What is a meaningful life? Why are we doing all these? Questions after questions with variety of answers. We all came to this world 9 months (or maybe less) after mum and dad's 'yari yara'. They gave us this thing called 'life' with an expiry date.

"Skype"?
"Sure"!
"What's up"?
"I feel like shit again. Insomnia is back. I can't stop thinking".
"What's wrong"?
"I've lost direction, again. Ok, maybe not a direction. I think I have to reevaluate my life. I have to remind myself of why I'm doing all these and where I'm heading".

Here you go. This is your life. It's in your hand. But sometimes it gets out of hand. But its leash still is in your hand. It's up to you to pull it back towards yourself. You're the one who's in charge. To me life is like a dog. It responds to the way you treat it. It's a reaction of your action. Have you ever seen a typical lady dog-owner who is trying to stop her dog from baking at others. "Sweetie, stop barking", says the lady in a gentle voice. But the dog with no reaction to her request is still barking his ass off. Who's in charge here?

There are so many paths in front of us. And we get to choose one and new paths open up in front of us. Yes, some of us are more privileged than the others. But still that doesn't mean anything. There's no such a thing as luck. Your life, your success, your failure , your misery, your happiness are all based on your decisions you're making, and the paths you're choosing in your life. And it's sad to watch those sitting on their ass, doing nothing, living on welfare, and waiting for some miracle to happen. 3 words: there's no miracle. Miracle is a fancy word religious folks use to manipulate their audience. Ok brain, don't get distracted with other stuff! What I am trying to say here is that nothing is going to happen if there's no action. Nobody is going to save you. You're your only savior. Look in the mirror. Who do you see? It's you!

I'm at my favourite Starbucks in my favourite quiet corner where I'm being inspired to write this crap on life. But I really believe in it. So, Miss. Bahar! It's time to speed up. So move faster. And don't stop. Learn from the people around you. It's time for action. First on your agenda, finish working on your damn exhibition.

Orgasm on my summer lunch break

Birds are playing their symphony in harmouny. It sounds very pleasant to my ears. I close my eyes and let myself drawn in this peaceful surrounding. A deep breath! I try to suck in as much air as I can as if there might be a shortage of it very soon. I open my eyes. The bright sun makes my eyes squint. But that doesn’t bother me at all. I smile. “There you are, Silly! Don’t go anywhere. Ok? Stay here. I want to see you everyday. Nobody would hurt you. You don’t need to hide behind those clouds”.

And she responds. I hear her. She talks to me in a mute way by burning my bare upper back. I smile. “You heard me?! So stay right on top of me. You’re what I want. You make me happy”. Aaah, what a great feeling!

Birds are still playing their harmonious symphony. So joyful! So pleasant! The sun is still talking to me. My back is sizzling. The breeze joins our conversation. She gently rubs my skin. She’s not as shy as the sun. She playfully goes under my top, and I can feel her touch on my skin, on my spine, on my breasts, on my belly button… And now she goes under my skirt. I spread out my arms and legs and rest my back against the picnic table. I close my eyes once again. And let myself feel this great sensation. Aaah, what a great feeling!

I open my eyes and look around. I can see you. I can smell you. I can feel you. I can hear you. "Hello, Summer! You are finally here"!

Democracy in the Middle-East — Is it even possible?

Hope there's a light at the end of this dark tunnel

One of the things I always enjoy doing is talking to my dad about my thoughts, point of views on things, daily news, social matters, philosophy, almost everything. And man, he’s so open-minded and more than willing to listen to me. I feel bad for him sometimes. I can be full of shit sometimes, and who wants to listen to bullshits? But he does. He eagerly does. And I feel special. He makes me feel special. Thank you, Daddy!

Today, he told me why not writing about all these in my blog. He’s right, why not?! So here we go. From now on, I’ll be writing about all these crazy thoughts here. These are just how I think at the time, in the moment. Who knows, I might change my mind tomorrow. I love to hear about other people’s views. So bring it on. I want to hear it.

I’m copying and pasting my conversation I had with my dad earlier today via email. This is only reflecting my way of thinking, not my Dad’s. He might agree with me or not. But it’s none of my business to speak on his behalf.

My conversation is based on the ongoing events in the Middle East, especially in Iran:


Hope there’s light at the end of this dark tunnel

You know what scares me? It almost annoys me at the same time, when I see people so brilliant and smart who have a good head on their shoulder, who have a high education and intellect, just being a sheep. They are only being a follower. They willingly want to be used.

Or maybe, that’s just the way they’re thinking. I’m talking about religion, politics, lifestyle here. What if you let your religion and your ideology rule your life. Imagine you want to mix them all together. Is it even possible? Can we bake a salty, sweet cake? Maybe we can make it hot and spicy at the same time. Yuck!

Religion scares me! Even the word, every time I hear it, it’s like an alarm. Man, they’ve been many good men in the past that I adored, but because of religion, I tried to stay away from them. I don’t follow any religion or faith out there. I tried. But it didn’t take me that long to start questioning. I’m not agnostic either. I believe there’s something out there. I’ve never looked for it though. I don’t know what it is. But I call for it when I need help. Maybe it’s the inner me. Maybe I just believe in me.

Anyway, back to religion, I have to say for some reason religious people bother me. Most of them can be very biased. And it’s hard for me to trust them. I see them as people who are lost, those who have identity crisis. I don’t want to generalize here though. I said most of them. I still know a few who are reasonable, open-minded people while practicing their faith.

Yes, I do believe that people’s idea and point of view change from time to time. And there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s very normal. It’s part of the human nature. But there’s something that never changes in us. And that’s the foundation, root, base, whatever you want to call it, the thing that makes us the person we are. That’s the thing people always remember us as.

Here’s what I’m trying to say, in the 21st century with the modern lifestyle and the technology constantly changing, if you don’t think of religion as a personal belief (something between you and whoever you believe in), it’d contradict with all the changes happening around you. This is why I think most of those people have identity crisis. And they keep changing gears because they see they get stuck from time to time, so they have to change direction. This is why I find it hard to trust them because I don’t know what they’re going to do next.

In addition, I think it’s not enough just to be tolerant of other people’s faiths and views. You need to be understandable of where they are coming from and why they’re thinking and acting in a certain way. Why they are so different from you. And we can achieve this by educating ourselves.

Also, by being open-minded I mean we need to be willingly to be open-minded, with a good intention. Not just because others (the authorities, the ones with money and power) say so. Maybe we need to work our own brain from time to time. But unfortunately most people with strong faiths are just so brainwashed that don’t see others. And it’s hard for me to trust them.

Maybe this is why I don’t support any of the political groups in Iran nor in the Middle East. I hate seeing people getting hurt. I hate watching people getting killed. I’m for people. I think sometimes (most of the time) security and stability are more important than freedom. In some circumstances, people are just not ready for that kind of freedom. They basically don’t know what it is. They are not educated about it. It’s just the idea of it that excites them. Life is too short. You can be on the street shouting out the word ‘freedom’ and hope for a change.

But the question here is, ‘what changes? What do you want to change? Why change? And who are you putting your trust and faith in to make that change happen? And why do you trust that person? Why do you think he’s better than anybody else?’ What is this change everybody talking about?

In my opinion the nation (I’m talking about Iran here) is being irrational and emotional in the so-called Green movement. What change? What do they want? I know they’re fed up with the regime and injustice (and I don’t blame them. Why do you think I live here and not there???), but my question is what’s the difference between these new reformists and the ones in power???

I think Obama was the same with regards to change too. During his campaign he never explained what change he was talking about. I can change my shoes right now and say, “yayy, I’m for change”. What is Change?

I want all these to stop. I am scared. I am scared. My loved ones are there. I don’t want anything to happen to them. Call me selfish. Then I want to be selfish. I just want these to stop. I hope there’s a light at the end of this tunnel!

I like questioning things. I find it an easy way out by not questioning. That way you can look at things from a different angle. You can see other views. Everybody can listen to BBC and get their news and updates from there. But I like looking at the patterns, the history. The human nature... People call me pessimistic, but I think I’m just being realistic.